When God Doesn’t Provide the Money

Photo by Levi Jones on Unsplash

I had heard the stories of God’ miraculous provision of finances for outreach, for rent, for plane tickets and for projects. Sometimes it came in a silk envelope. Sometimes a friend gave an amount, and it was exactly what was needed. Sometimes, an offering was taken that mysteriously expanded. But I had lived a safe, well-provisioned life. My parents are very wise with their finances, and we had never lacked. They taught me well, and I knew how to save and how to spend wisely.

When I left to do my Discipleship Training School (DTS), I only had $2000, a third of what I would need for the lecture phase and outreach. But I told my parents I wanted to place myself in a position where I would have to trust God, and allow him to provide for me financially. So they let me go.

I watched, anxious and then delighted, as God provided the money for my lecture phase through donations from friends and family. We came to outreach, and I received some of what I needed. The day before we were meant to leave, I was still $2000 short. I knew God would provide, but the tension of HOW was driving me crazy. To say I was stressed was an understatement. The next day, there was no mail. No miraculous cash in my Bible. I called my parents, wondering what to do. They decided to give me a loan of $2000. I was happy to have the money for outreach. But I was miffed at God. Why did I have to get a loan? Why didn’t He provide?

That was when I realized that God did provide, but not in the way I wanted him to.

Fast forward. I came home from DTS and worked to pay off my loan. Then God prompted me to do the School of Digital Filmmaking also with YWAM. I had less money in my account than when I left for DTS. But knowing that God wanted me to go, and trusting that he would provide, I jumped on a plane yet again. My parents said they were done with giving me loans. That was ok, because I was confident God would provide what I needed this time.

It was a similar story this time. I received about half of what I needed from donations. The deadline to pay grew nearer, and nothing happened. So I went to my sister for a loan, knowing this time that God could provide through loans just as much as donations. Once again, I was annoyed at God. Why was he allowing me to go into debt again? Didn’t he know that debt is bad?

Fast-forward again. I finished the school, and came home. This time I was $3000 in debt to my sister, ready to work and pay it off. That’s when God said, Don’t get a job. WHAT??? Jesus, are you CRAZY?! I did what he said, ‘cause it’s always a good idea to follow what God tells you. Through this time, God taught me a lot about how to trust him with my debt, and to rest.

Then I felt like I should do the School of Acting for the Screen, in the same place as I did my filmmaking school. My family thought I was nuts. I was $3000 in debt and I wanted to do another school? But they were used to me doing wacky things by this point, so off I went. My grandmother gave me a sizable monetary gift, as did a couple I knew, and I received a grant from my hometown council. But I still had a few thousand dollars to go. Maybe, I thought, maybe God will finally come through, and provide everything in a miraculous way. We prayed as a school. Multiple times. I waited, and waited, and waited. It never came in.

After living on the base for a while, completing the School of Acting for the Screen, and doing an internship, I added all my debts together.

It came to $6000.

That was hard to swallow.

Did my experiment fail? Was I foolish for trusting God so much? Was I even listening to God correctly? Didn’t God know debt was unwise??

Frantically, I started planning ways I could work: Picking blueberries or grapes. Getting a job at a restaurant in town. Writing blog pieces for money. But each time I moved in that direction, I felt restless, uneasy and even more stressed than before. It seemed like God was saying “no” to my good ideas to pay off the debt. WHAT?

I began to ask why. Why was I so far in debt? Had I been reckless? Then a friend said something that changed my perspective, “You’re not in debt because you’re irresponsible, you’re in debt because you’re obedient and that’s a good kind of debt to have.” I’m in debt because I was following God. If He got me into this mess, then He can get me out again.

Through this process, I have learned that being in debt is not the worst thing in the world. God can and does work, even when my bank account is below $0. I knew that I trusted God up until there was nothing in my account, but did I trust him enough to go beyond $0? I do now. Even debt is not an obstacle to God providing or working.

It’s still not fun. I would much rather be out of debt. But now I trust that will happen in God’s timing, not mine.