Stressed Out

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

I have this expectation of myself that I’m supposed to live life calm, tranquil and peaceful inside. Stress, anxiety and worry mean that I’m not trusting God, and I’m not a very good Christian.

As a child I was worried. What if the house burns down? What if my parents die? What if my pet budgie flies away? What if there’s a war? Fear characterized my childhood. I was happy, but it was always there. Then I learned more of the Bible, and read verses like, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” “Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.” Both of those I can write out by memory. I knew that worry was bad. It made me feel awful, and God didn’t like it. The trick was to trust God, and stop worrying because He’s in control.

So as I grew older, whenever I felt afraid or worried, I would quote those verses to myself and remember how big God is, and that He’s got my life in His hands. By sheer willpower, the stress would be overcome. Hah! Take that, stress! We win!

About a month ago, I was feeling uneasy, because once again, stress was threatening to take over. I tried focusing on Jesus. I quoted the verses. But nothing seemed to help. “Why am I so stressed??” I wondered. Was I not trusting God enough?

Then I sat down and looked at my life. In the past month I

·         said long-term goodbyes to three dear friends

·         lived in five different places

·         looked for, found and lost an apartment

·         experienced extreme financial stress

·         had a couple cases of interpersonal conflict with people close to me

·         received a bunch of ideas for jobs and turned them down for various reasons

·         our pet budgie of ten years died

and I had no idea what to do with my future.

I felt like I wasn't trusting God enough, but when I looked at the list, I wondered why I wasn’t feeling more stressed. I congratulated myself for not being a blubbering mess, because honestly, my life IS stressful right now! Good, now that we had that out of the way, I could acknowledge stress and move on with my life.

A week ago, my body started acting up. I have dark circles under dry, scratchy eyes. My sinuses felt congested. My skin is itchy, and it’s not easy to breathe. At first, I thought it was allergies. But as far as I know, I’m only allergic to cinnamon. My muscles were also super tight, and I found myself sighing a lot. My jaw is constantly clenched. The old fear returned at night, and I became irrationally afraid of things I haven’t thought about since I was a child. Two nights ago, I woke up choking and coughing, heart racing, too scared to go back to sleep.

It looks like stress has caught up to my body.

And the worst is that I don’t know how to stop being stressed. I’m stressed about being stressed.

On top of all this stress, heaven remained silent. I could barely pray, because my brain feels so fuzzy, and I don’t know what to say. God didn’t tell me anything to do or make this better. I feel like an awful Christian. I’ve failed, because I’m stressed and worried and not trusting God enough. Desperately, I try to shove my stress away to prove to God that I’m trusting Him. Somehow, I got this idea that stress is a shameful thing, something God hates.

I wish I had it all together. I wish I knew the answers on this one. But I don’t.

What I do know, is that life is stressful. And that the presence of stress doesn’t mean that peace is absent. It’s possible to be stressed and have peace.

I think those verses, about trusting God, are actually about not giving into fear. Which is a very different thing from not feeling stressed. Even Jesus experienced stress; he was so stressed he sweat blood. 

God doesn’t expect me to be stress-free all the time. Breathe it in, my soul, and know that you don’t have to stop your stressing for God to love you. Stress doesn’t show a lack of faith; it shows that you are living a stressful transition time. Don’t try run away or pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s ok. It won’t last forever.