Obsessions

Photo by Bence Boros on Unsplash

Just Tired

I am so incredibly tired of working.

And I feel horribly guilty and ashamed of that.

“How can you expect to eat if you don’t work?” “Everyone has to do things they don’t like.” “Suck it up, princess.” “Show initiative.” “You can’t expect people to know what you’re thinking unless you tell them.”

I am so incredibly tired of being responsible and bearing responsibility. Tired of taking initiative. I just want to sleep and let someone take care of me.

“But you’re an adult now. Take care of yourself.”

So tired.

It’s not that I don’t like working.

I’m just tired of bearing responsibility. In my brain. In my body. In my feelings.

Exhausted.

I want to love work again. Work brings money. Work brings security. Work brings recognition. Work brings fame. Work brings glory to God. Work brings satisfaction. Work, work, work.

If you don’t work, what are you?

If I don’t work, who am I?

Knowledge

I scroll through Facebook, reading this interesting article and that interesting blog post.

I check Messenger incessantly, craving news of my friends.

I read the news often.

When I’m sad, I distract myself by learning new things.

I blog and introspect to learn new things about myself.

I ask God for words of wisdom and guidance.

I am addicted to knowledge.

It is my brain’s defense mechanism. Keep me so busy, so distracted by new interesting tidbits and sound bytes, and drown out what my heart is saying. Let the chatter of knowing stifle the groans of my sore, sad heart. Stave off hurt by learning distraction. Stay away from the dark scary places of my soul by reading, writing, knowing.

But what if the reason God is silent is because the knowledge I need is already there. . . But somehow it has been blocked on its journey into  (or out of?) the heart. I don’t need more knowledge. I need more – something. I don’t need more water. I need less dam.