Why So Serious? Part II

Photo by Andy Chilton on Unsplash

Why am I so serious?

Like I said in my previous blog post, I like to ask deep questions that get to the heart of things. I like to discover what lies beneath the surface of people, of issues, of ideas. I have a hard time with things that I perceive as superficial. I want real meat, not meringue fluff. I probe, I question, I consider.

And sometimes I obsess. I don’t like that about myself, because people often find it annoying. For example, when I was 11, I became obsessed with goldfish. I read books about them. I saved up money to buy a fish tank. I talked about them at the dinner table so often that my family banned the four-letter F word. That’s just one example of my obsessions. I’ll get distracted reading internet articles about emotional and spiritual abuse for days on end, simply because it’s something I’m interested in. I fixate on a specific area of my life that I want to improve on, and it occupies like 90% of my brain space for months. It annoys other people when I’m always repeating the same things, so I’ve learned to not talk about my obsessions and simply keep them to myself. I’ve often wondered why I just can’t let go.

Why can’t I just CHILL? Sometimes I obsess so much about relaxing, that I get worked up while I’m supposed to be resting.

Why do I get so worked up about things?

Because I care.

I care deeply about things and people. When I do something, I do it 100%, all in. I don’t like doing things halfway.

I take things seriously because I care.

And that is a beautiful thing.

I think the reason it bothers me so much when people would tell me to calm down, to relax, to chill, is because that translated to “stop caring”. When people were acting frivolous or shallow, it annoyed me because I thought they “didn’t care”. I’ve been deeply hurt in the past because I care a lot about something that the other person flippantly throws away, or doesn’t care about to the same degree as me. Group projects were torture to me, because often my partner wouldn’t approach the assignment with the same amount of energy, enthusiasm or caring as I did.

All that caring makes me tired. I burn out quickly when I give all of myself, but don’t take time to rest. Or allow myself to be cared for. I can tell when I’ve reached the danger zone and my tank is empty, because I don’t care about anything anymore. That’s when I know I have to stop and recharge.

How do I relax? How do I chill, if I care so much?

The answer is knowing that God cares even more than I do. He cares more about the people I love than I do. He cares more about hard situations and problems than me. He cares about smaller details than I can ever see. He cares about things I don’t even care about, like the hairs on my head and sparrows and bringing rain to far-off places.

Because HE cares so much, I can relax, knowing things are being taken care of. I can rest in His care, for me, and for others.