Not Quite So Stressed Out

Photo by Anne Duaban on Unsplash

About a week ago, I wrote a post about how stressed I was. I have never been that stressed in my life. I literally could not think, and my body was shutting down.

Stress is an odd beast. I was in a vicious cycle of stress isolating me, and then feeling isolated because I was stressed. I felt like I was drowning and utterly alone. I was so stressed the idea of asking for help didn’t occur to me.

But God didn’t abandon me, even though my spiritual ears felt stuffed with cotton wool. I had this idea to write down all the things that I know relax me or calm me down. One of the things is writing, which led to my blog post. People began sending me encouraging messages, and the isolation began to shatter.

It wasn’t until I started reaching out with a desperate blog post, and actually sitting down with people and saying “I don’t know what the heck I’m doing” that I could even entertain the idea that oh, people can help. From this I learned, get another brain or five involved when yours isn’t working. All you have to say is, “My brain isn’t working.”

I also realized that sometimes my brain gets so worked up, I have to physically relax before my brain will calm down. So that afternoon I went for a run, which is scientifically proven to release endorphins that calm you down. I did as many things as I could that I know relax me: Read a novel. Listened to music. Laid on the floor. Cracked open some lavender and balsam fir essential oils. Just breathed. Stretched. Had a hot shower. Once my body relaxed, my brain could finally be open to solutions instead of thinking “I’M STRESSED I’M STRESSED I’M STRESSED I’M STRESSED.”  

That’s when I noticed the expectation I’ve placed on myself, that circumstances shouldn’t affect my emotions. “Be joyful always”, “Give thanks in all circumstances”, “[You will be given] peace that transcends all understanding”. All these phrases are in the Bible, and I thought it meant that feelings were irrelevant. But that’s not true. Yes, God is our rock. Yes, the Holy Spirit’s joy is present in every part of life. But that doesn’t mean that we won’t emotionally be affected by losing a job, annoying people, or even a week of rain. Circumstances do affect my emotions, and that’s ok. In fact, it’s possible to have the peace of God AND be stressed out of your mind. I experienced that last week, because a part of me knew that it was going to be ok, knew that I was being held securely in God’s hands, despite how awful I felt. Circumstances can affect my emotions, but they don’t change the Truth.

P.S. Thank you to all of you who sent me encouraging messages, prayed for me, talked with me and let me dump some of my stresses on you. Thank you for proving that my feelings of isolation are a lie. You’re awesome.

Obsessions

Photo by Bence Boros on Unsplash

Just Tired

I am so incredibly tired of working.

And I feel horribly guilty and ashamed of that.

“How can you expect to eat if you don’t work?” “Everyone has to do things they don’t like.” “Suck it up, princess.” “Show initiative.” “You can’t expect people to know what you’re thinking unless you tell them.”

I am so incredibly tired of being responsible and bearing responsibility. Tired of taking initiative. I just want to sleep and let someone take care of me.

“But you’re an adult now. Take care of yourself.”

So tired.

It’s not that I don’t like working.

I’m just tired of bearing responsibility. In my brain. In my body. In my feelings.

Exhausted.

I want to love work again. Work brings money. Work brings security. Work brings recognition. Work brings fame. Work brings glory to God. Work brings satisfaction. Work, work, work.

If you don’t work, what are you?

If I don’t work, who am I?

Knowledge

I scroll through Facebook, reading this interesting article and that interesting blog post.

I check Messenger incessantly, craving news of my friends.

I read the news often.

When I’m sad, I distract myself by learning new things.

I blog and introspect to learn new things about myself.

I ask God for words of wisdom and guidance.

I am addicted to knowledge.

It is my brain’s defense mechanism. Keep me so busy, so distracted by new interesting tidbits and sound bytes, and drown out what my heart is saying. Let the chatter of knowing stifle the groans of my sore, sad heart. Stave off hurt by learning distraction. Stay away from the dark scary places of my soul by reading, writing, knowing.

But what if the reason God is silent is because the knowledge I need is already there. . . But somehow it has been blocked on its journey into  (or out of?) the heart. I don’t need more knowledge. I need more – something. I don’t need more water. I need less dam.