Expectations

For years I lived in the slavery of should. "I should wake up earlier. I should obey God. I should always tell the truth. I should dress a certain way. I should be nice to people. I shouldn't be unhappy. I shouldn't hang out with guys. I shouldn't think this about that person."

Should was a hard taskmaster. He kept me bound with chains of fear and beat me to a bloody pulp with condemnation.

But if Should was my slave driver, then Expectation was the evil baroness who ran the estate, and gave Should his orders.

Expectations that I should always be cheerful. Expectations to honour my elders. Expectations to wake up at a certain time, work in a certain way, make and create in a prescribed manner. Expectations to be kind to people.

These expectations came from society, my parents, my friends, books, and most of all myself. Somehow, I thought that God had expectations of me too. Like he expects me to act in a certain way, and if I don't, I will let Him down, disappoint Him.

But here's the thing: God doesn't place expectations on people.

Sure, He tells them, "If you do this, than that will happen." There are consequences to our actions. He reminds us who we are. If we are in Christ, we are new creations. When we forget, and start living like our old selves, He gently reminds us, "This is not who you are. Here, this is how a new creation lives and acts."

He sees who we truly are. He knows everything we are, anything we've ever done, and everything we'll ever do. How can we disappoint someone who already knows the depths we've sunk to, and yet chooses to still love us?

We cannot disappoint God. When does disappointment happen? When we expect something to happen a certain way, but it doesn't. Expectations don't live up to reality. But since God KNOWS what's going to happen, and everything lives in His Reality, how can He be disappointed?

We cannot let God down. He's already seen our weaknesses and flaws. And He is greater. He is so much higher. He is strong enough to save, and He will accomplish what He set out to do.


Until now, Expectations have been my motivation. The expectations of my friends, my family, my society, me, and what I thought was God were the driving force behind everything I did.

Now I see that God doesn't have expectations of me. He doesn't sit in Heaven, offering us a 'choice' but subtly expecting me to choose the 'right' option. He does let me know what the results of my choice will be. But He isn't silently pressuring me to choose one particular option. I am free to choose whatever I wish.

Crazy, terrifying. I am free to choose. Why has God given mankind the terrible, beautiful choice of complete free will? (Love.) I don't know why He trusts us to choose. But He does.

I am free to choose. No expectations. With grace to catch me, and love to hold me, and His loving arms always, always there. And yet, still, He offers me the choice to turn away if I wish.

But I don't. How could I turn away from such a One as Him? The One who offers true freedom, the utter opposite of Should and Expectation.

Mopes

I’ve got the mopes. Mopey mope mope mope.

Chin on desk.

Housecoat.

Mopes.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Are mopes bad?

Should I run away?

Or is it ok to hang out in Mopesville for a while?

Maybe the mopes are trying to tell me something.

Maybe these little critters are wiser than they first appear.

Mopes say you’re tired of running.

Mopes say something doesn’t feel right

                and probably because something isn’t right.

Listen to the mopes. But don’t let them rule your life.

They’re not wise enough to be kings.

But they’re smart enough to advise you.

Words

Words have been my wings

Words have been my prison

Words have been my tool

And words have been my weapon

Words have opened doors

Words have cut me deep

Words have sparked dreams

And words have dragged me down

Words have built up walls

Words have opened worlds

Words have cluttered the air

And words have cleared my mind

Words have been my friend

Words have been my enemy

Words have been my teacher

And words have been my counselor

Words have bridged the gap

Words have dug me deeper

Words have pushed me further

And words have brought me closer

Words on my tongue

Words in my mind

Words in the air

And words on the page

After The Rain - Free Verse

Contemplation

Love

"Love is not a feeling, it's action."

I don't know how many times I heard this from the pulpit, from Christian books, and well-meaning mentors and friends.

"Love is not a noun."

"Love is a verb."

"Love always does what is best for others."

I understand that this was all said to counteract our culture's popular view that love is a feeling, a whim, an emotion.

But I took love-as-a-verb to mean that love is always doing. Love accomplishes things. A passive love is not love at all. And wow, did that ever screw up my relationships.

If love is demonstrated by action, then if people don't act in a loving manner toward me, they must not love me, I reasoned. If they ignored me, were too busy to answer my Facebook messages, or couldn't spend time with me, they must not love me. If people were not acting in a loving (doing-good-stuff) manner, then they must not love me. I constantly craved demonstrations of people's love. And God's love.

I couldn't accept a love that just IS.

But here's the truth:
Love is not a noun.
Love is not a verb.
Love is a Being.

God is love.

And if love is a Being, then love can be expressed emotionally and through actions (and yet love is so much more than emotion and action).

Which brings up another point. I confused love and the expression of love. Expressions of love are rooted in Love itself. Love is eternal. Expressions of love are finite, events.

I was finding my security in expressions of love, not Love itself, and always looking for new examples of love. But expressions of love were not always guaranteed to happen when I wanted them to. And when I focused on the expressions and not the true thing, I always doubted if love would hold, if love would continue. A demonstration of love is not Love itself, it is merely the bloom, in the way that the rose is the expression of the rosebush. If you have a rose, will you have another rose? That is uncertain. But if you have a rose bush, you will always have roses, though not all the time. In the same way, Love is always there, even if it is not currently expressing itself.

And so, now what?

Now, I can rest in Love, that which is eternal. And I can enjoy the expressions of love when they come, knowing that even if they disappear, Love itself will not.

Still

Sometimes
I curl up tight in a ball
and lay still,
doing nothing

Not because I'm lazy,

But to keep myself from
smashing things
or injuring myself.

"I'm Fine"

I’m not ok.

But I’ll say that I am.

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m afraid.

no, that’s not right

it would be cliché

the right thing to say

that I’m afraid to let you see

the real me

but I don’t think that’s the reason

why I say I’m fine

Sure if I look deep inside

at all the things I try hide

there’s a bit of fear

that’s lurking here

But that’s not the reason why

I’ll tell you I’m ok

I’ll tell you I’m ok

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m not ok.

Worthless

If you told me I was worthless, I wouldn't believe it. It's a preposterous lie. Everything within me would reject that proposition. I know God doesn't make garbage.

But somehow, in a million tiny and not-so-tiny ways, I was told that I was worth less. And I believed it.

"In humility, consider others better than yourselves."
"Each of you. . . Should look to the interest of others."
"If anyone would follow Me, they must deny themselves."
"Honour one another above yourself."

Each of these statements is in the Bible. Somehow, honouring others above myself translated to "I am worth less than others." Humility meant accepting that I am not as important as other people. My opinions, thoughts, feelings and ideas should be quietly set aside, and in this way I could truly love people. Other people take precedence over me.

This sounds so spiritual, so humble, so self-sacrificial.

But is it?

The same God who created you also created me.

If you have infinite worth, if you were worth God dying on a tree, then so am I.

I am not worth less.

We, each one of us, are unique, and our worth is utterly beyond computation. Amongst humankind, there is no such thing as worth less.

And now I look back on these statements. None of them actually talk about our intrinsic value as humans. They talk about our actions. We are not what we do. We do what we are.

And we are not worth less.

The Big Fear

I have fears.

I don't like spiders, but I get over that because I fear losing sight of them more than seeing them.

I get nervous walking down dark hallways at night. 

I'm afraid of disappointment.

I hate uncertainty; it makes me antsy.

But my biggest fear is fear of The End.

And I don't mean death.

I'm afraid that I will reach my potential. That I'll hit a limit and that's it, there's nowhere to go from here. No growth. I've made it. All that's left is the status quo. Boredom. Stasis.

I fear reaching the dead end of the road. Because where do I go from there? 

This is why I shy away from my goals. Because once I have reached them, what then? 

This is why I procrastinate. Because deep down I think: I'm growing so much while I do this, where is the room to grow once I finish this task?

(Then I choose a new project. And that's what keeps me sane.)

Failure is my friend, and success is scary. Because I learn more from my mistakes than my accomplishments. 

What if life is like a computer game, and someday I'll complete all the missions? Then what?

I fear reaching The End. 

There is one thing that never fails to remind me that my worries are groundless.

Trees.

Trees just keep growing. They have a limitless potential for growth. Some trees have been around for thousands of years. The oldest tree in the world is 5,062 years old. It started growing when Pharaoh Narmer united Upper and Lower Egypt and Stonehenge was being built. And it's still growing today. Trees don't have an expiry date. And they don't have a date where they're like, nah, done, time to stop growing. 

Trees remind that God is infinite. He has no limit. 

And we were created in God's image. 

Poetry

I now transition from what's-Lyndall-doing-now? to a blog that's more creative.

To start us off, here's a poem I wrote a year ago. I'm still learning to live it.

New Things Are Coming