Still

Sometimes
I curl up tight in a ball
and lay still,
doing nothing

Not because I'm lazy,

But to keep myself from
smashing things
or injuring myself.

"I'm Fine"

I’m not ok.

But I’ll say that I am.

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m afraid.

no, that’s not right

it would be cliché

the right thing to say

that I’m afraid to let you see

the real me

but I don’t think that’s the reason

why I say I’m fine

Sure if I look deep inside

at all the things I try hide

there’s a bit of fear

that’s lurking here

But that’s not the reason why

I’ll tell you I’m ok

I’ll tell you I’m ok

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m not ok.

Worthless

If you told me I was worthless, I wouldn't believe it. It's a preposterous lie. Everything within me would reject that proposition. I know God doesn't make garbage.

But somehow, in a million tiny and not-so-tiny ways, I was told that I was worth less. And I believed it.

"In humility, consider others better than yourselves."
"Each of you. . . Should look to the interest of others."
"If anyone would follow Me, they must deny themselves."
"Honour one another above yourself."

Each of these statements is in the Bible. Somehow, honouring others above myself translated to "I am worth less than others." Humility meant accepting that I am not as important as other people. My opinions, thoughts, feelings and ideas should be quietly set aside, and in this way I could truly love people. Other people take precedence over me.

This sounds so spiritual, so humble, so self-sacrificial.

But is it?

The same God who created you also created me.

If you have infinite worth, if you were worth God dying on a tree, then so am I.

I am not worth less.

We, each one of us, are unique, and our worth is utterly beyond computation. Amongst humankind, there is no such thing as worth less.

And now I look back on these statements. None of them actually talk about our intrinsic value as humans. They talk about our actions. We are not what we do. We do what we are.

And we are not worth less.

The Big Fear

I have fears.

I don't like spiders, but I get over that because I fear losing sight of them more than seeing them.

I get nervous walking down dark hallways at night. 

I'm afraid of disappointment.

I hate uncertainty; it makes me antsy.

But my biggest fear is fear of The End.

And I don't mean death.

I'm afraid that I will reach my potential. That I'll hit a limit and that's it, there's nowhere to go from here. No growth. I've made it. All that's left is the status quo. Boredom. Stasis.

I fear reaching the dead end of the road. Because where do I go from there? 

This is why I shy away from my goals. Because once I have reached them, what then? 

This is why I procrastinate. Because deep down I think: I'm growing so much while I do this, where is the room to grow once I finish this task?

(Then I choose a new project. And that's what keeps me sane.)

Failure is my friend, and success is scary. Because I learn more from my mistakes than my accomplishments. 

What if life is like a computer game, and someday I'll complete all the missions? Then what?

I fear reaching The End. 

There is one thing that never fails to remind me that my worries are groundless.

Trees.

Trees just keep growing. They have a limitless potential for growth. Some trees have been around for thousands of years. The oldest tree in the world is 5,062 years old. It started growing when Pharaoh Narmer united Upper and Lower Egypt and Stonehenge was being built. And it's still growing today. Trees don't have an expiry date. And they don't have a date where they're like, nah, done, time to stop growing. 

Trees remind that God is infinite. He has no limit. 

And we were created in God's image. 

Poetry

I now transition from what's-Lyndall-doing-now? to a blog that's more creative.

To start us off, here's a poem I wrote a year ago. I'm still learning to live it.

New Things Are Coming

Flying

The week after DTS graduation, I stayed in Dunham. I spent time resting, praying, and figuring out what to do next. I knew I had to go back to Alberta, for a wedding and to work to pay my parents for outreach. But afterwards? I had no clue.

So after some praying, I hit on the perfect plan: Join the Media Team in Dunham, and share the story of the Chagossians. It was brilliant, since I love Quebec, Dunham, and Media. My hope was to work hard, gain support and come back in October for two years.

Then, on the 4th of July, I boarded two planes, and took off from Montreal. The first was physical, and brought me home to Alberta. The second was metaphorical, and I thought I knew where it was going. More about that later.

After about a month of being at home, Mom came to me and said she had some concerns about my future plans. One concern was that I didn't have a full-time job, and it looked unlikely that I would even pay back my parents by October, let alone have $15,000 for two years of staffing in Dunham. She said that I should re-consider my plans, maybe think about not even going back to Dunham. My world came crashing down. All the plans that I thought were so solid suddenly weren't.

And in that moment I realized that my future plans were just that: MY plans. Not God's plans. My intense desire for certainty after DTS led me to rushing ahead and planning out my life. Big oops. That was when I realized that certainty doesn't come from circumstances. Certainty can only be found in God and His unchanging character.

But it was an awful feeling having my dreams die. To be fair, God did warn me. In that last week after Graduation, Isaiah 55:8-9 kept coming up.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I also had a prayer time with a couple other girls, to pray about our future. And both of them warned me that God could take me on a different path than I was expecting. I was scared, but they said that it was good, and exciting. So God in His grace warned me that things would happen differently to what I thought they would.

I had no idea what was coming next. I still don't. I have hints, but nothing definite. God has made it clear that now is a time for learning and growing deeper roots. That means I work part time, and spend lots of time reading and talking with God (and checking Facebook way too often. . .).

My plans are up in the air. I feel like I'm flying, only I don't know where this airplane will land. In the mean time I have a choice. I can sit in my chair and be annoyed that I'm stuck in airplane for who knows how long. Or I can enjoy the view, talk with people around me, read books, rest, and watch movies. I don't know where I'm going. But I know the Pilot, and He is trustworthy.