Love

"Love is not a feeling, it's action."

I don't know how many times I heard this from the pulpit, from Christian books, and well-meaning mentors and friends.

"Love is not a noun."

"Love is a verb."

"Love always does what is best for others."

I understand that this was all said to counteract our culture's popular view that love is a feeling, a whim, an emotion.

But I took love-as-a-verb to mean that love is always doing. Love accomplishes things. A passive love is not love at all. And wow, did that ever screw up my relationships.

If love is demonstrated by action, then if people don't act in a loving manner toward me, they must not love me, I reasoned. If they ignored me, were too busy to answer my Facebook messages, or couldn't spend time with me, they must not love me. If people were not acting in a loving (doing-good-stuff) manner, then they must not love me. I constantly craved demonstrations of people's love. And God's love.

I couldn't accept a love that just IS.

But here's the truth:
Love is not a noun.
Love is not a verb.
Love is a Being.

God is love.

And if love is a Being, then love can be expressed emotionally and through actions (and yet love is so much more than emotion and action).

Which brings up another point. I confused love and the expression of love. Expressions of love are rooted in Love itself. Love is eternal. Expressions of love are finite, events.

I was finding my security in expressions of love, not Love itself, and always looking for new examples of love. But expressions of love were not always guaranteed to happen when I wanted them to. And when I focused on the expressions and not the true thing, I always doubted if love would hold, if love would continue. A demonstration of love is not Love itself, it is merely the bloom, in the way that the rose is the expression of the rosebush. If you have a rose, will you have another rose? That is uncertain. But if you have a rose bush, you will always have roses, though not all the time. In the same way, Love is always there, even if it is not currently expressing itself.

And so, now what?

Now, I can rest in Love, that which is eternal. And I can enjoy the expressions of love when they come, knowing that even if they disappear, Love itself will not.

Still

Sometimes
I curl up tight in a ball
and lay still,
doing nothing

Not because I'm lazy,

But to keep myself from
smashing things
or injuring myself.

"I'm Fine"

I’m not ok.

But I’ll say that I am.

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m afraid.

no, that’s not right

it would be cliché

the right thing to say

that I’m afraid to let you see

the real me

but I don’t think that’s the reason

why I say I’m fine

Sure if I look deep inside

at all the things I try hide

there’s a bit of fear

that’s lurking here

But that’s not the reason why

I’ll tell you I’m ok

I’ll tell you I’m ok

Because

Because

Because

Why?

I’m not ok.

Worthless

If you told me I was worthless, I wouldn't believe it. It's a preposterous lie. Everything within me would reject that proposition. I know God doesn't make garbage.

But somehow, in a million tiny and not-so-tiny ways, I was told that I was worth less. And I believed it.

"In humility, consider others better than yourselves."
"Each of you. . . Should look to the interest of others."
"If anyone would follow Me, they must deny themselves."
"Honour one another above yourself."

Each of these statements is in the Bible. Somehow, honouring others above myself translated to "I am worth less than others." Humility meant accepting that I am not as important as other people. My opinions, thoughts, feelings and ideas should be quietly set aside, and in this way I could truly love people. Other people take precedence over me.

This sounds so spiritual, so humble, so self-sacrificial.

But is it?

The same God who created you also created me.

If you have infinite worth, if you were worth God dying on a tree, then so am I.

I am not worth less.

We, each one of us, are unique, and our worth is utterly beyond computation. Amongst humankind, there is no such thing as worth less.

And now I look back on these statements. None of them actually talk about our intrinsic value as humans. They talk about our actions. We are not what we do. We do what we are.

And we are not worth less.